Sunday, February 14, 2010

Being American at the Winter Olympics

After watching the first day of the Canadian Winter Olympics i learned some interesting facts about what its like to be an American during the Olympics. As we watch this outstanding performance of many nations, the little bit of American comes out in us. As i watched the moguls, figure skating and speed skating I realized we tend to react in the following situations. They are categorized below.

America Wins
Of course we won, we are the best country in the world, it was more of a formality that other countries tried out. I mean if we only competed against each-other we wouldn't be able to demonstrate that we are the number one country in the world. It is our superior power in the world that allows us to count 34 bronze-medals as the most amount of Medals, despite its value of third place not being as important as an Gold Medal. (PS New post coming out on how the omplyics should count medal points to see who really is the best country).

Russia Wins
If Russia wins in 2010 its okay, why you may ask. It is purely because America already destroyed them in the 1980 (semi) finals to prove our dominance. Russia has learned that America is the best country and is trying to match us. They are like that little brother of democracy, and it would be wrong if we beat them at everything. Plus Putin finally stepped down, right? so they are back to a democracy, i mean FDR had three terms!

Germany, Austria, Spain or Any European Country Wins
Well America is the melting pot. So we start to think about our grandparents. Oh totally my grandpa was German so its totally fine they win, its a sense of pride. Germany did not win the downhill alpine, rather the German people won, and since my grandfather is German i have been (no pun intended) grandfathered into supporting the Germans. If Poland wins, we still recall Neville Chamberlain, and pretty much blame him. It was his fault we had to let the Polish win every once in a while.

Switzerland Wins
Minus the fact they have once the best tennis players [ Fedderrer]. We give them two factors, one they have the alps, and thats like cheating to the winter Olympics, they can ski all the time, and bob-sled to work, its kinda in their blood. We also cant get mad for two main reasons, most of America's 401k's are invested in Swiss bank accounts. Also they are neutral, they really have never upset the world, so how could we really get mad at them.

Canada Wins
Well if its hockey and curling we expected that, the two lamest American sports, of course we invented it and gave it to the Canadians. Also, Canada is located in North America, thus they are defaulted into being Americans anyway. Their economy is weaker, their President looks American, and we sneak our under-age kids across the border to drink there. Canada is really just lamer than us, so who really cares if they finally win a gold medal at home, like whose counting that one anyway.

Korea Wins
At first we are confused, because we think Apollo Ono is American, after realizing this, we get even further confused. The Intellectuals begin to question, is this North or South Korea, hell because if its North Korea we can not let Kim Jun Ill win a medal over us. After realizing its south Korea we somewhat calm down. Then we think, well if south Korea has a team why doesn't Geographically speaking) North have a team. After this 30 seconds of confusion we forget the main cause, and are distracted by Chris Collinsworth's complete inability to explain the games, and how he keeps forgetting this is the Olympics, not the super bowl.

China Wins
Ah Crap China, we meet again. Some (including myself) wonder if first these people are old enough to compete, are they 12 or 11, whose counting on an abacus anyway. Another concern we have is whether it snows in china (naturally of course). Since the Chinese mess with their weather (if you dont think so google it), they can make it winter between 2010-2012 so their skaters get a better chance. We begin to worry when china wins. Who are they (rolling 1.3 billion deep) thinking they canbeat us at the summer winter Olympics. Is China the new russia?

Jamaica Wins
#overit. ok jamica, you got your movie about that bobsled team. We know , we got it, stick to the 100 meter dash, this is our games.